Here We Are...one year later

So I don't need to tell most of you that this is the one year anniversary of the "scary day." On July 23 last year we all were happily swimming at the pool with our dearest friends, when Grant began to walk funny and stand funny and act funny. The next day was by far the worst of our lives. It was horrible and painful and scary and just awful. But I don't want to talk about that.
What I want to reflect upon tonight is what has changed. So much has changed. Thankfully, with Grant's diagnosis and successful treatment thus far, we are doing well. But we are forever changed.
Grant has learned alot this year, as we all have, about hospitals, treatments and the reality that cancer is. He gained 13 pounds in 4 weeks. He wore a turtle shell for 4 months. He lost the weight and the shell, along with his hair. He saw people around him rally to support him and shave their heads with him to support research. He's had about 10 CT scans, 2 biopsies, 12 skeletal surveys, 3 PET scans, 26 IV or port chemo treatments, daily chemo and daily steroids, 5 days in the hospital and is still one happy sweet boy! He doesn't understand any of it and thankfully, doesn't seem to mind. Sometimes I feel like he's rotten, about the time he's pitching a fit usually, but then I think of what he goes through even on a daily basis, and I am amazed at his strength. Even today he cried that he wanted to go to sleep. I forget that he is dealing with this treatment daily and we go on with our lives - which involves constant activity. He gets so tired and is so strong to just push through.
And what about Gracie? Just in the last 3 weeks, Gracie has started going to a counselor to help with her "scary feelings." Her meltdowns have become much more frequent and much more than just a "fit" they are pure panic attacks. She is so different. All from that day. Thankfully, she understands and is able to vocalize that it is from that day and she knows that she is scared because of the fear she had that day. She has learned that life is not always perfect and that Mom and Dad can't protect you from everything that is scary. She didn't realize any of that at the time. I remember asking and talking to her daily last summer about her feelings and she couldn't really say much. But she has developed words for those feelings and unfortunately she is hurting more than we ever knew. Thankfully, she is talking about it and we are working through it.
She is so much more sensitive to others, understanding of pain beyond what she should understand, and compassionate to those that are suffering. She understands more than she should, and we are working with her to help her process what she has learned over this year.
Chad and I are stronger than ever. I won't say it was Grant's illness that has brought us closer, but it certainly contributed. How can you go through even a week of the fear we had without clinging to the only other person who knows exactly what you are feeling. Our priorities have completely shifted. We have always loved to spend time together, but it is just different now. It is more intentional and more treasured. In fact, it is much easier to just walk away from "big" things to come home and just be with them.
So, while that day was horrible. And the weeks following. Day by day it got better. We have grown stronger. We have grown to know exactly how much we are loved (thank you!). We have stared directly in the face of uncertainty and run to the arms of our Comforter. We have cried countless tears and thanked God for this disease. We have felt guilty that our disease is not as wretched as so many of its neighbors in the cancer world. We have felt God with us everyday and seen his hands and feet by those around us. We have learned the pain of every parent in that waiting room. We have learned what it means to push through the pain and find answers. Honestly, I am glad that we have gone through this. I don't mean in any way that I am glad Grant has suffered. But I am glad that our family has learned what we have over this year and I pray that we will continue to heal both physically and emotionally from this blow.
Next year, I hope to post that we are off treatment! Oh how scary that will be! While I look forward to March 19, 2010 because that is the official "off treatment date," I am also horribly nervous that being "off treatment" also means that the disease is able to run rampant in his little body. That will be another hurdle and I am sure that we will be ready come March. But I am thankful tonight to go and give him his medicine while he sleeps, knowing that these drugs are what is keeping his disease away.
Thank you for your love and support over the last year. I am sure as we have seen a change within the walls of our home, you have seen changes in us. I thank you for loving us through them and beyond.